all my troubles seemed so far away

(no subject)
new livejournal!


last night, i went to skye's. we watched edward scissorhands, and played ddr, master mind, and phase 10. oh, and we watched degrassi. quality television. we also made ex-boyfriend charts, which included diagrams, cartoons, and stick figures! i'd scan mine in, but it is still at her house and might offend some people, haha.

i spent the afternoon in natick with my parents. we went out to lunch at the california pizza kitchen, which was really nice, actually. we went shopping, too. i finally got new bras! and i bought myself new eyeliner and hershey kisses. oh, and two awesome pairs of shoes. :)

pretty good day. i can't do anything tonight. but tomorrow is new year's eve!!!

another survey!Collapse )

got bored. sorry.
people don't bother reading these unless they're really bored. oh, well. i think they're fun. so, whatever.

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vacation's been going by at a reasonable pace. i've been kind of busy, but it's nice. then again, i haven't even talked to dan in... three days? whoops. i'm not a great girlfriend, what can i say?

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so vacation's going well. of course, i haven't picked up a single textbook or started my history project. and studying for midterms? no way.

yesterday, i picked up a few things on newbury street. in this used cd store place, i got ...always leave the ground by this day & age, which is really good, along with the dvds of big fish and *shhh* disney princess a christmas of enchantment. shut up, it looks good! and in newbury comics, i picked up chutes too narrow by the shins, forget what you know by midtown, and this book called revolution on canvas, which is all indie poetry. it's really cool. jess also let me borrow this book called please don't kill the freshman by zoe trope and gave me my the academy is... ticket for february!

by the way, that show is sold out now. so if you don't have your ticket for the academy is..., panic! at the disco, acceptance, etc. at the avalon on feb. 4th, too late now! :(

in her livejournal, jess did this cool '2005 in a nutshell' type thing with pictures and everything. but i don't think i can make mine half as cool as hers. i'll try, though.

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rereading old journal entries... i definitely have changed a lot. i can't pinpoint it. but i can just see it. i hate who i used to be. i guess that's the problem with changing. you look at what you used to be like and shudder in disgust. and i'm sure in the future i'll look back on the me of whatever day it is right now and i'll wonder how anyone could ever put up with me. *sigh*

i hope your year has been good. mine's been decent, and i have nothing but hope for the year to come. :)

this is fact not fiction, for the first time in years.
she pulled me to her chest as i broke down. she let me cry my heart out. it was the first time i've completely crashed in a long time. "you can't always be so tough." i know, but for now, i'm alright. i fall, but i never will completely surrender. the periods of sadness are only temporary. i'll learn. and i'll cope. and you can guarantee that even if i'm feeling the worst, i will put that mask on before i walk out the door.

oh, look, it's nearly christmas!
has anyone noticed how winter seems to bring people together? you hardly ever hear about a "winter fling". you look out the car window on a cold day and see couples walking hand in hand down the street. you know that's real. you can't be cozy by yourself. we find special people around this time of year. and we hold them close. closer than we have before.

the commercialism of christmas hardly bothers me. and i don't mind that christmas is the only time i think about certain people. it's nice to receive a card from someone you haven't heard from since the previous year. it's the thought that counts, right? so, why do we consider it so terrible that the only time you think about your family friends from when you were really little or your great aunt cindy is at christmas? it's not a bad thing, so let's stop being "better" than christmas and its commercialism.

maybe somewhere along the way, society got itself into a mess with the extravagant gift-giving. but as long as you try to refrain from taking it to that extreme extent, then it shouldn't be a problem. give to give. not give to receive in turn.

not too long ago, i thought people tried too hard with the lights and inflatable santas and snowmen. but now i like them. when i drive by a gaudy, tacky, extraordinarily tasteless decorating job, i smile. there's just something about winter and the holidays. my attitude improves considerably, and i just overall feel better about everything.

and we were dreaming
dreams are strange things. last night, i had two dreams. the first one, i was walking down my street, away from my house. and i turned the corner, and this old man in a red truck was following me. i can't remember what happened next. sometimes, in dreams, you can kind of decide what's going to happen next. and i remember being totally lost. i couldn't figure out how to make my dream end well. i felt so confused. and i started running, looking back, and yelling. but i never figured out what i was running from or screaming about.

the second dream improved my night considerably. it gave me this sense of security and overall being loved. in reality, i had some negative feelings toward the person, but they were all gone when i woke up this morning.

psychoanalytically, i think that maybe the dreams worked out this way because of my negative thoughts. the first once demonstrated my paranoia, pretty much, and the second one showed the true value of a particular individual in my heart and how i really need to not jeopardize that under any circumstances.

maybe i'm crazy and dreams don't mean anything. but i think they do. i don't think it's this clear-cut, but i'm sure on a subconscious level, our emotions, thoughts, and feelings deeply affect the dreams we have and that they can show us something.

i see you change, and i realize that i need to change, too. i see my flaws but do nothing about them. i know where i'm going wrong. i know in what ways i am vulnerable but continue to leave myself open to hurt and continue pushing myself down that path. i know my strengths and my weaknesses.

but when i contradict myself in everything i say and think, how am i supposed to know where my real thoughts begin and end? when you recognize that someone has made a good point, can you continue to have the opposing opinion? i'm forgetting where i stand. in an argument, i forget what i am arguing for. what i believe in. you make good points. you twist my words, dance around my questions. maybe you're right.

i realize that i am close-minded. but my field of vision is just getting smaller. my ignorance is my weakness. but will believing in half-truths and twisted words help me? will it make me wiser? if i can't see the falseness in a lie, is it now truth? and if i don't understand why something is true, should i believe it?

let's all stop leading each other on. for once, let's be honest. it's okay to say that you are confused. misunderstood. unknowledgeable. let's accept our mistakes and move on. let's talk about things instead of concealing information. that's where we are going wrong. we want to retain the mystery of ourselves, but in doing that, we push people away.

snow day!
tonight's plans were cancelled due to the weather, but so was school, so life is still fantastic.

i think i'm moving away from livejournal in that i don't want to sit here and write random updates about what i did this week and whatever. i kind of just want to use it as a place to vent and share and talk to basically myself. yeah.


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